Talking Window
This is how I see it
You there
my reflection
Can you read
The words they
are misting
on the Window
pain

So now I am reading Natural Hormone Enhancement by Rob Faigin - my mind is a natural athlete, always competing to know... understand and make life work better. It takes my body sometime to catch up. I am dealing with so many issues at this time of life, self preservation, survival, growing younger as I age, financial independence, freedom to recreate myself, meeting new people who inspire and are inspired. Its as though those adolescent longings come into full longing bloom in the middle years, after the children are grown, a huge part of me feels now is my turn to blossom, explode, create. Is is that now or never feeling. Life seems shorter, briefer, more intense as you get older, when you are young unformed being you are dreaming, but now I am older, wiser, still vulnerable but more resilient, more determined to give my life its best shot.

There is always the need for the private secret personal life. And then the need to connect, to receive feedback, to listen and learn. To discover. I want to feel safe, but I want the freedom to explore and make changes, take risks that are calculated, that will make me strong. I want to do what Taleb Nassiem advised, to let your hook be cast in the stream of life, you never know what lucky coincidences you may encounter, while you are networking, engaging with life. This is my attempt to engage.

Today I discovered that I still have the same genes as my paleo ancestors. I want to change the way I eat. I am always nervous of committing myself.... I like to leave the door open, to give myself room to make mistakes but I want to explore the possibilities of living like a stone age woman in 2010. I have so many things pointing me in this direction. My allergies or intolerance for wheat, dairy, caffeine, chocolate, sugar. All the things I love which make me feel wonderful when I eat them but tire me and leave me feeling drained and spun out a few hours later. I can I do it differently. I want to give it a try again.

Its friday, 20 past midnight and I have decided to start writing as a means of refinding myself. I always journalled as a way of therapy, keeping endless notebooks. I have become afraid of the words, of someone finding them or reading, so in a way afraid of revealing myself. Yet that inner world is more tenacious yet vulnerable and bright than ever before. Now the dream afraid of waking, is my dream of myself as a writer, maybe I have postponed that dream so I never have to discover I can't do it, or am better than I think I am.



So that's the opening. I am wanting to reshape myself. Its almost 5 years now since my outer shape has changed into something I don't recognise. I am rounder, fuller, softer, yet stiffer and not as busy physically, my walk was always like me impulsive, rushed, clippity clop, now its more soft footed, not as quick, no more clumsy ankle twisting falls from rushing headlong into life. Now I am careful and more dull footed. But my mind is still keen, eager to learn, to remake myself, explore, I still want adventure and lust for life... but its hazier as though that lean hunger has been replaced by satiety, the need to constantly drink that next coffee later, that caffeine charge and insulin spike, and then the tiredness, and the next chocolate fix or meal preparing that keeps me hooked like a drug to the tv, the gas cooker, the shops for the cheap thrill of buying something small, something new.